A Breathtaking Work of Truly Astronomical Genius
by Nagia
Summary: ...In other words, utter nonsense. A collection of the more ridiculous but completely plausible moments of life in AVALANCHE. Post and in game. No definite pairings.
1. III: Drink in the Darkness

**A Breathtaking Work of Truly Astronomical Genius**

**IV: Drink in the Darkness**

_And she calls from the doorway, "Stolen water is sweet,  
So let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean."  
And she calls from the doorway, "Stolen water is sweet,  
So let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean."_

_And I'm almost sure that I've been here before,  
That this is not the first time I've stood in front of this door,  
With an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go in,  
But it seems this is a battle that I never could win._

—_Deadbolt_, THRICE

"How crazy _are_ you?" Cloud demanded. "That was the most dangerous thing I've ever seen you do! Going swimming in the middle of the night!"

Yuffie rolled her eyes.

"Cloud, I grew up by an ocean. Trust me; night swimming isn't all that dangerous."

"You don't know the tides around here! You could have gotten swept out by a riptide, or drowned when the high tide came in, or—"

"—Don't bother." Vincent murmured from his place on the couch. "Lectures from you don't seem to faze her."

"Yeah, 'cos they're _totally hypocritical_! I mean, hello, Cloud? You're an adrenaline junkie with baggage like an airport. What right do you have to criticize me?"

"I'm not criticizing you, Yuffie! I just want to know why you pull crazy shit like this. What the hell is your _problem_?"

"She's an adrenaline addict. They're compelled to put themselves in danger. They think it fun."

"It _is_ fun, stupid! If it's not fun, I don't do it!"

Cloud sighed. "I give up. I don't understand you at all. Do you _want_ to die?"

Yuffie snorted. "Pot. Kettle. Black."

But Cloud turned away and headed up the stairs, back to his and Tifa's room. "Go to bed, Yuffie. We're getting up early tomorrow. Don't pull anything stupid, either."

Yuffie slid open the glass door on her balcony. The night breeze blew the scent of the ocean to her, tangy and salty and vast. The ocean's roar seemed to say _I am ancient, I am endless, I was here before you were born and I will go on after you die_.

She hated ships, but she didn't mind the sea.

She watched the dark ocean roll to the shore. Wave upon wave crashed onto the sand and bounced back out to sea. _I am ancient, I am endless_. That endless rush.

Sometimes, she could fool herself into thinking she didn't get violently seasick, and she would imagine the waves spinning her upwards, higher and higher. Until she was flying with the foam beneath her feet. Until she was one with Leviathan's blessing.

Her mother had sometimes talked of dreaming about the ocean. Dreams where she had walked into the sea, barefoot and clad only in white, the mourning colour...

And walking in, deeper and deeper, until she sank beneath the bottom and didn't have to rise.

Her mother had dreamt of a peaceful death. So many Wutaians had, during the war. You always talked about those dreams, when they came. They were good omens.

Funny, how her mother hadn't died that peaceful death. Her mother hadn't died in blue and green and white, but in red and black and silver. Her shinobi shozoku stained with her blood as Sephiroth pulled that long, long sword out of her stomach.

Yuffie watched the moon reflect itself into the ocean. What a vain creature, the moon. She was always looking at herself in that dark mirror. They had a name for that. Narcissism.

She had gone night swimming to feel that balmy dark water surround her. She always imagined her mother in that white robe, walking into the ocean, when she swam. She could see her mother in her mind's eye, clearly, so painfully clearly.

Sometimes, when she floated back to the surface, she could swear she felt her mother's arms around her.

_And you, my true love!_

_You call from the hilltop._

_You call through the streets,_

_"Darling, don't you know? The water is poison!"_

_But I say, "Come on and give me my poison."_

_What have I done?_

_Is it too late to save me from this place?_

_From the depths of the grave?_

_We all are those who thought we were brave…_

_What have I done?_

—_Deadbolt_, THRICE


	2. II: Scramble Scrabble

**A Breathtaking Work of Truly Astronomical Genius**

**III: Scramble Scrabble**

Yuffie stared at the young man across from her. Spiky blond hair, glowing blue eyes, and baggage like six airports and a cruise ship.

It was kind of scary, really, how well-adjusted he seemed at times. But eventually, his true nature always outed itself, and the Issues came to the fore.

She looked to her left, where a bird-boned man in a tattered cloak stared at the board.

"Your move, Vinnie," she grinned. "C'mon, it's not that hard a game."

Cloud laughed. "That's right, Vincent. You're making this harder than it has to be. Stop saving your tiles for sepulchral. It's easier to get points if you don't try to do twelve letter words every time."

Vincent glared at Cloud. Sighing, he placed his tiles on the board. C, M, blank.

"S-C-blank-A-M? Scram?" Yuffie asked.

She blinked. Vincent always used the oddest words. Like that time he'd done BONKERS in hangman. She'd never guessed it.

He was an evil, evil man.

But hey! There was room by that M! And she had some blank tiles, too!

She added her tiles one at a time. She started with A.

Cloud groaned. "You have a one-track mind! Is that all you think about?"

Vincent just looked at her with those serious eyes. "Please don't spell what I think you're spelling."

Yuffie found herself getting a little lost in those eyes. She would have wondered if she were developing a crush on Vincent if she hadn't seen it happen to Tifa, too. And Cloud. It seemed like when Vincent made eye contact, you just couldn't help but get lost in those dark, red depths.

His eyes should have made her think of blood. They didn't. Oddly enough, they made her think of the ocean. Ancient Wutaian legend said that when Leviathan had chosen his people, the ocean had turned red like the setting sun and his people had been able to drink it like it were wine.

Every time she looked him in the eyes, she found herself wanting to murmur the Third Prayer to Leviathan and recite that legend.

"Don't spell it," he murmured.

She wasn't. She'd pulled SUMMON and MATERIA already. No, now it was time to pull a little magic out of the sleeve on her left arm.

Speaking of magic... She placed her G.

"Um, Yuffie? Mog? Spelled with an O." Cloud took a sip of coffee and looked over at the sleeping Barrett. "I can't believe I'm letting them do this."

"Aw, Cloud, are you getting worried about Tifa? She can take care of herself, you know, and we need the supplies. And people would recognize you and Barrett."

"Yeah, yeah. Come on, finish your word."

Yuffie grinned. She placed her blank tile and her C.

Her grin turned cheeky. "You thought I was doing materia, didn't you?"

"Can you blame us?" Cloud grumbled.

"Nah." She scratched the back of her head. "I guess not."


	3. I: Hanging With Yuffie

**A Breathtaking Work of Truly Astronomical Genius**

**I: "Hanging With Yuffie"**

"That is not a word," Vincent scowled.

He didn't like to scowl. But when it came to Yuffie, scowling was apparently more effective than just staring at her. She didn't have the... whatever it was that made most adults feel uneasy or ashamed when he stared at them.

"Yes it is."

"You cheated."

"I did _not_ cheat! It's a word, I swear!"

"You also swore you weren't up to anything before you stole our materia."

Her face darkened. "Don't talk about that! How many times do I have to apologize? Besides, stealing materia and playing hang man aren't the same thing! I may lie, I may steal, I cheat at poker and go back on deals, but I do _not_ cheat when it comes to word games! People'd know you're cheating!"

"That cannot _possibly_ be a word. It doesn't mean anything."

Yuffie pulled a tiny dictionary out of her pocket. "Adjective, first definition: full-bosomed, second definition: having a full, shapely figure." She stuck out her tongue and used her index finger to pull down on the skin just under her left eye.

"You made that up."

"I did not!"

"Give me the dictionary."

Yuffie handed it over.

Vincent read it.

"See? Zaftig really is a word!" She giggled insanely. "You lose!"

Hang man was a game he was usually so _good_ at, too. "It still sounds like nonsense," he mumbled.

"Ohmygosh, Vinnie Valentine, are you being a sore loser?"

"No sorer a loser than you a winner."

"What?"

"I'm not being any sorer of a loser than you are of a winner."

"Are you calling me a braggart?"

He didn't bother answering that question. He'd started this entire argument, he knew. Not that he wanted to admit that. He did have his pride after all, no matter how little he deserved it.

_Just how did I let her suck me into this game?_ He wondered as she erased the drawing she'd made in the dust. She re-drew her gallows and a few horizontal lines. Six of them, to be exact.

"No clue," she said. "I'm not entirely sure what this word means, but I heard it somewhere."

"O," Vincent sighed.

She drew a circle on the gallows, as well as a crossed-out O.

"S."

She added a line under the circle and a crossed-out S.

"A."

The letter A went into the second line.

Vincent blinked. Was she doing this word _again_? "I."

The letter I went in the fifth line.

"G."

The letter G went into the last line.

"Zaftig, Yuffie."

"Nope!"

"What?"

"Nope! I'm not going to count that against you, so guess again."

"R."

The letter R went into the third line.

Vincent blinked. In his mind he imagined the word as _xARxIG_. What the hell? What kind of word was she using?

"E."

The letter E went into the first line. Vincent blinked again. Just where the hell had she heard the word _earwig_? That was some kind of insect... They had long, thin bodies and weird antennae, and supposedly could kill you if they crawled in your ears.

_What a strange little girl._

"Earwig."

Yuffie grinned. "You got it, Vinnie! So now it's your turn!"

He sighed and wiped at the dust, clearing out Yuffie's etchings. He drew his own gallows and thought to himself of a word that would be suitably obscure and yet something she didn't think he would pick.

_Well, sepulchral is out. Hm, obscure word..._

Had he been the sort to grin, he would have done so quite evilly. He scratched out seven lines in the dirt and wrote an S in the last line.

"Adjective," he said.

"E."

That one went into the fifth line.

"O."

O went into the second line.

"T."

He drew a circle under the gallows.

"Uh, can't be an S... Why not N?"

N went into the third line.

"O-kay, Something-O-N-something-E-something-S. And it can't be bones, 'cos it's got too many letters. Ooh, and it's an adjective. Okay, gimme an R."

The R went between the E and the S.

"Huh WHAT! What the hell kind of word is that?"

"A more common one than zaftig."

Revenge was sweet. Yuffie never _did_ guess "bonkers".


End file.
